We put our train services to the test – are they on track or going off the rails

Late, dirty, overcrowded and cold if the latest survey of train passengers’ satisfaction is anything to go by, our view of the country’s railways is getting dimmer.

A survey of 27,000 people by the watchdog Passenger Focus found the proportion of people who were happy with railway services in the UK fell from 83% in 2013 to 81% in 2014.

Rail operators have promised to act but are our gripes justified? We sent our man Chae Strathie out for a day of travel on the tracks to see how they fared.

Journey 1: Markinch Edinburgh Waverley £10.90 (single)

Easing in gently with a lunchtime journey, I buy my ticket and take a seat in the waiting room. Whoever designed the seating has plumped for the ice-cold, bum-crushingly hard solid metal option. Within three minutes I can no longer feel my own buttocks. I am thankful when the train arrives bang on time.

Inside, the carriages are warm and clean. No litter to be seen. I relax in a window seat and pull the tray down to rest my notebook on, releasing a shower of crumbs. Ahhh, the old “hidden Gregg’s sausage roll leftovers” trick. My nice blue suit breeks take the full force of the pastry onslaught and I curse the previous passenger.

A quick trip to check out the toilet reveals an unexpected development. The walls are decorated with stickers of ornaments, a vase of flowers and framed pictures. It’s like spending a penny in someone’s living room.

Back at the seat the worst part of the journey is sitting opposite an overly-amorous couple trying to eat each other’s faces as we trundle across the Forth Bridge. Hey! Buy a sandwich from the trolley if you’re hungry. This is an express train, not a SEXpress train, right?

We roll into Waverley on time and I disembark impressed with the service, if not with the passengers.

Rail rating: 9/10

Journey 2: Edinburgh Waverley Glasgow Queen Street £12.50 (single)

A mad dash to the ticket machine then to the platform and onto the train takes only four minutes. I’m just in the nick of time so I leap into the first open carriage door I spot. Almost every seat is taken. Hmmm, this doesn’t look promising. I press on to the next carriage, which is quieter, and find an airline seat behind a table of young folk, students perhaps. All seems well until two things happen.

First, the spotty young herberts open various tubs and packets of food and start munching away. I don’t know what their meal consists of, but it smells like a combination of tuna fish, onions, burnt hair, horse flatulence and nuclear waste.

The second thing that happens is I accidentally touch something down the side of the seat which turns out to be a recently used paper tissue. Nice.

I visit the toilet and immediately regret it. Things have happened in there that I cannot talk about. Someone has done something that has covered several parts of the loo in a way that seems to defy the laws of physics (under the seat, really?).

I stagger out and ask in a weak voice if there are any trauma counsellors on board to help me deal with what I’ve been through, but it seems I’m on my own.At least the train departed and arrived on time and the staff were uniformly delightful, so it wasn’t all bad.

Rail rating: 6/10

Do you have a tale of train journey hell? What is your pet hate or good news rail tale? Tell us in the comments below

Journey 3: Glasgow Queen Street Dundee £21.80 (single)

This is easily the busiest of all the trains as it’s approaching rush hour. There are only single seats available here and there, so I perch myself in the doorway. As we leave, a couple of minutes late, it becomes apparent I’ve chosen the worst seat in the entire train. Possibly the entire world.

Across the aisle is a journey-destroyer. A man so grotesque that I genuinely start looking for hidden cameras, certain he’s a made-up character in a TV prank show.

For a start he has a heavy cold, which might elicit sympathy but for the fact he spends the whole trip snorting snot from his dribbly nose, hoching stuff up from his lungs and making noises like jelly being poured into a combine harvester.

He shouts into a mobile, effing and jeffing like he’s in the final of the World Effing And Jeffing Championships. Finally, after necking a half bottle of brandy, he falls asleep, letting out tooth-rattling snores from one end and noxious smells from the other.

The train staff (who were polite and pleasant) could have served us oysters and champagne on silver platters and it wouldn’t have saved this journey from the dark cloud of one slavering oaf.

Rail rating: 3/10 (would have been 7/10 if it wasn’t for you-know-who)

Journey 4: Dundee Markinch £9.10 (single)

I miss my connection by mere seconds and discover to my dismay on this freezing, snowy evening that the next train isn’t due for an hour-and-a-half. Dundee Station is in the midst of a complete rebuild and I hope the new building is a whole lot better than what’s there at the moment chilly and bleak with empty cups and bottles lying discarded under hard seats.

This is just the time you want your train to arrive on time so, of course, it is late. Only by seven minutes or so, but long enough when there’s an icy breeze blowing up your trouser leg.

Of all the trains this is the best in terms of a lack of annoying passengers, but the worst in terms of cleanliness and the like. There are crisp packets lying on tables, crumpled newspapers cast aside on seats and a paper cup of dripping cold coffee on the tray in front of me. There’s also a suspicious stain on the carpet under the seat opposite. I don’t investigate closely.

A poor show, though a clean toilet and lack of horrendous snorting ogre are definite plus points.

Rail rating: 4/10

Journey 5: Markinch Darlington £88.20 (return)

While all the other journeys were on ScotRail trains this is a Cross Country service. The journey begins fine enough. On time and no one is sitting in my reserved seat. Unfortunately my warm, satisfied glow is immediately cooled by the chilly wind that is circulating round my ankles. Either the heating in the carriage is broken or the guard needs to stick 50p in the meter.

The temperature doesn’t rise and I keep my jacket on for the entire three-hour journey. My mood isn’t improved by the tinny “tsh-tsh-tsh” that echoes down the carriage from the bloke with an iPod and hearing difficulties.

The return leg can only be better surely. Well, it is . . . when it finally arrives. A points problem just outside the station means no trains can come or go. An hour trudging around an unexciting station in the cold at night is obviously fantastic fun, so maybe I’m just in a bad mood or something because I really don’t enjoy it.

Finally the train appears. Hooray! It’s busy and I’m wedged next to a large man who should have booked two seats one for him and one for his right bum-cheek, which keeps trying to push me into the aisle.

Rail rating: 3/10

Conclusion

The trains were a mixed bag, ranging from warm, clean and on time to cold, dirty and late. The one consistently positive aspect was the staff who were all helpful and friendly. The worst parts of the journeys were usually the fault of one group of people us lot! If, as passengers, we’re more considerate of the noise we make, the smells we produce and the mess we leave behind then the travelling experience for all will be a good deal better. Of course, we have no control over whether they run on time, cost less or aren’t as crowded. If the train firms really want to improve customer satisfaction, it’s up to them to tackle these areas.

Do you have a tale of train journey hell? What is your pet hate or good news rail tale? Tell us in the comments below