100 times people got the wrong end of the stick

Many of our misunderstandings come from childhood, often involving “where babies come from”, and sometimes it seems we’ve been deliberately misled by mischievous adults.

Like the lady who told her young daughter that leprechauns lived in the traffic lights, changing the colours by hand.

Usually we catch on to these harmless pranks soon enough but for some of us, the misapprehension can linger.

Geographical goofs are common. Whole countries have been mislaid with many convinced Surinam is next to Vietnam in South-East Asia as opposed to sitting snugly in South America.

And Timbuktu’s fictional, right?

Other misunderstandings come from mishearing songs, like the chap who was convinced Cher was singing about “Gypsies, chimpanzees” which, when you think about it, would make for a more interesting lyric than the actual “Gypsies, tramps and thieves”.

Anyway, here are 100 genuine tales of folk simply getting the wrong end of the stick.

I genuinely thought that if you pulled the reverse cord on ceiling fans, they would circulate warm air.
My friend thought the average speed cameras on motorways were there to look for missing children.
My children used to think reindeer were fictional, like unicorns.
When I heard a football team had won on aggregate, I thought that meant they hadn’t played on grass.
Because of Wind In The Willows I thought moles were the same size as badgers.
I used to think they called “juice” when the score was 40-all in tennis, to signal it was time to sit down and have a drink.
I used to think tuna were tiny like sardines, because they both came in tins.
Apparently, my dad didn’t write all The Beatles’ songs, despite knowing all the words.
Until I was 20 and visited an aquarium, I didn’t think seahorses were real.
I used to think fog lights were actually called frog lights. I thought this was strange because it would make more sense for them to be called fog lights as that’s why they were there.
I got an email from my friend talking about Halloween and how she hated “trickle treaters”.
Until recently I thought penguins were mammals. I’m 34.
I recently found out it’s hang gliding, not hand gliding.
Watching Top Of The Pops I thought Cher was actually a group called Share.
For a long time, I thought being in custody was related to custard, and I still think of prisoners swimming in the stuff.
I thought for a long time that the umbilical cord went from the woman’s belly button to the baby’s belly button, to stop them falling out.
I thought Budapest and Bucharest were the same place.
I thought Gibraltar was an island until my husband said we could drive from there to Spain and I asked if we’d have to take a ferry.
I thought those big juggernauts were called “Arctic” lorries because they carried refrigerated goods.
I’ve only just found out that the moon moves as well as the Earth.
I was in my 30s before I realised swans could fly.
I thought Al Qaeda was a person called Alan.
I thought Sinn Fein was actually Gerry Adams’ name in Gaelic.
When I was much younger, I thought the Black and White Minstrels were real men who actually looked like that.
My mum and I still believe it’s marshmellow, not marshmallow.
I was in my mid-40s when I found out Tottenham and Spurs are the same team.
I thought Dunkirk was in Scotland. And I did A-level history.
I used to insist that looking at next month’s picture on the calendar before it came was bad luck.
I thought it was called the Cold War because we were fighting Russia — where it’s cold.
I thought paramilitary meant disabled soldiers.
I thought that “several” meant seven, like “twice” meant two.
I thought Labrador and the Dalmatian Coast were both in Canada and were named after dogs.
My friend was eating spare ribs and said: “Ooh, I don’t know how they make them but they taste great.”
I thought tuna came from dolphins.
My friend still says “damp squid” instead of “damp squib”.
I thought the Oxford-Cambridge boat race took place between the towns.
My primary school teacher told us that if you swallowed an orange pip, it would get stuck in your appendix and cause appendicitis.
I only found out a couple of years ago that water polo isn’t played on horses.
My next-door neighbour was once a famous political figure and I thought it was Charles de Gaulle. Only years later, did my teacher tell me Charles de Gaulle didn’t live in North London — and was, in fact, dead.
I was shocked to discover pine cones didn’t contain tiny monkeys, as my mother had told me for a long time.
When my husband said he was taking part in an indoor rowing competition, I asked him how many lengths of the pool he’d need to do.
My sister still thinks The Shard is called The Shaft.
I don’t think I was alone in thinking the Channel Tunnel lay on the sea bed.
My friend pronounced wasabi peas as “washable” peas. I laughed so much I almost passed out.
I thought KO in boxing meant “keeled over”.
I thought the news kept talking about some “son of Bin Laden”.
I thought Timbuktu wasn’t a real place.
I didn’t realise your instep was on top of your foot — I was getting it mixed up with the arch.
I thought you pronounced Penelope like antelope.
My friend emailed the other day saying she was looking for some new Chester drawers.
I thought a lion and a tiger were the male and female version of the same animal.
I was gutted to find out the moon doesn’t shine, it just reflects the sun.
Watching a seagull on the beach, my son said: “It’ll get stuck because of the tide.” When I looked at him, he laughed and said: “Oh, I forgot, it can swim!”
I thought cauliflower was the same as cabbage, but it had been subjected to radiation. My dad told me that.
I thought there was only one kind of gravy until two years ago.
I avoided the Adult Fiction section of the library because I thought that was where they kept the mucky books.
My mum told me peas contain Vitamin P.
My friend still thinks you catch trains from St Pancreas.
My mum told me if you played with your belly button, it would come undone and your insides would fall out. I’m still wary of it to this day.
Until last week, I thought Ripon was in Japan. Not Yorkshire.
I thought Transylvania was a made-up place. Like Narnia.
I’m still not convinced that hares aren’t male rabbits.
I thought ‘“New York, New York, so good they named it twice” referred to the fact it used to be called New Amsterdam, not the fact it’s New York City in the state of New York so the postal address is actually “New York, New York”.
My daughter asked if women could get meningitis.
I thought test-tube babies actually grew in test tubes, and had to keep being moved to bigger ones as they developed.
I thought Centre Parcs was completely indoors, under a giant dome.
I was under the impression that ponies were baby horses.
I discovered that asbestos isn’t man-made, but is a naturally-occurring ore.
I thought a spendthrift was someone who was tight with their money for years.
I thought it was the Klu Klux Klan, not the Ku Klux Klan.
I thought the Falkland Islands were in the Outer Hebrides and couldn’t understand the Argentines thinking they had a claim.
I used to think a Cadbury’s Fudge was full of peppery goodness.
When I saw signs saying a town had been twinned with one in France, I thought it meant they looked exactly the same.
My daughter thought the big doner kebab things rotating in the shop were elephants’ legs. I may have told her that.
My daughter was surprised at how quickly our baggage arrived when we got back to Heathrow. She didn’t realise it had been on the plane with us — she thought it had come on a conveyor belt under the Atlantic.
It took me ages to work out why the word ambulance is written backwards on the front of them. I didn’t want to ask anyone.
I didn’t realise for years that rice puddings are actually made of rice.
I used to think that C of E was C of V.
The first time I went in a black cab, I piled in after three friends and sat on the floor, not spotting pull-down seats.
I was 18 before I realised cash machines don’t actually print the cash.
When my dad said he was putting money on a horse, I thought he actually put it on the horse’s back and he’d win if it completed the race without it falling off.
I used to think BNWT on ebay meant Brand New Worn Twice, but now know it’s Brand New With Tags.
My son until very recently believed windmills were powered by electricity.
I used to think the words in books would only appear when you opened them, and would try and “catch them out” by opening the pages really quickly.
I thought dragons had become extinct.
I used to sing: “Good King Wences last looked out . . .”
In church, when I was young, I thought we were saying: “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghostie Men.”
I thought the Elgin Marbles were just that — little glass marbles. From Elgin.
I used to believe that CID stood for Constables In Disguise.
I used to think that “time off in lieu” was because you’d been sick in the loo.
My dad used to drive us up the A9 and when we went past the sign for the Grassic Gibbon Centre, he said he’d take us to see the monkeys there one day. Only recently did I realise he was actually an author.
I thought the small, medium and large on packets of tights referred to the length.
Until I was in my 20s, I thought a C-section was done by cutting a circular hole like a manhole cover on your stomach.
In my mum’s old catalogues, when it said: “£300 or 52 weeks at £7.50,” I thought that meant you could buy whatever it was for just a year for only a few quid.
I thought we didn’t use the metric system in America because my grandpa told me President Ronald Reagan couldn’t divide by 10. I announced this in class.
My mum told me that if you have an accident, the police come. I thought she meant if I wet myself I’d get arrested.
When I was five I got confused and when my gran was sick I said: “You must have Germans inside you.”
I cried when I first saw my parents’ wedding video — because I thought they hadn’t invited me.
I used to think Paddington station was named after the bear.
I thought Barry Manilow wrote the psalms. That got a big laugh in Sunday School.