The perils of burying my head in the sand.
There was a report on the news on Thursday that said the amount of rubbish being left on our beaches by uncaring Britons is increasing every year. By sheer coincidence, MTV chose the same week to launch this piece of beach-based trash.
Ex On The Beach didn’t take place at a British coastal resort MTV clearly wanted somewhere hot so the people taking part would wear as little as possible but it might as well have been on a different planet for all the relevance it had to my life (I only watched it as part of my occasional dip into the world of pretending I’m younger than I am).
Four self-important gym fanatics and four fame hungry glamour-pusses were sent to the Med to see if they could strike up a meaningful relationship with someone other than themselves.
But there was a catch. Just as they were getting used to the idea of sharing a mirror, the producers moved one of their ex-lovers into the luxury villa.
Thinking he was on The Apprentice, where it’s de rigueur for men to refer to themselves as aggressive animals, “ex-footballer” Ashley claimed he was known in the nightclubs of Coventry as “the apex predator.”
Love rival Marco dispensed with the alter egos and described himself simply as “the vainest man in Sheffield” (has Prince Naseem Hamed moved away from the city?).
Although nonsense, it was the last coherent thing Marco said as most of what he uttered after that had to be accompanied by subtitles (which made me wonder if I was still watching Jamaica Inn).
Both guys liked Chloe, an ex-glamour model who had now moved into the much more respectable world of lingerie modelling. Chloe said she was someone who put up a “protective front” which was ironic given that none of the swimsuits she’d packed offered her front any protection at all.
As they flirted and frolicked, narrator Andrew Maxwell tried to ramp up the tension by telling us that one of their exes would be appearing in “T minus 12 hours”, “T minus four hours” and finally “they’re almost here”.
But when the ex walked out of the water it was a bit of a wash-out. It was Chloe’s “good friend” Ross, who’d slept with her last year in Marbella. Although she says they didn’t. Whatever!
Ex On The Beach, MTV, Tuesday.
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