Maggie Listens: Our daughters want to throw us an anniversary party, but my husband wants a quiet life

Dear Maggie,

My husband and I were married on a lovely autumn day in 1980 and we have two daughters and four grandchildren. We had a quiet wedding with just our parents and a few friends and a few days honeymoon in Scarborough as that was all we could afford.

This year, we celebrate our Ruby Wedding and have saved up for a holiday in Canada, a country we have always wanted to visit. But my daughters are insistent that we have a party with all the extended family as well as our friends. They say they will pay for the celebration at a nice hotel but my husband doesn’t want that. He says “it’s just not us. It’s not the way we do things”. But our daughters are determined to give us the wedding they say we missed out on.

I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I’d be happy to have the party and then go on holiday, but it has now become such a touchy subject it feels as if all the fun has gone out of it

Maggie Says Like many women you are a “people pleaser” – and that’s no bad thing. We tend to try to keep everyone around us feeling comfortable, secure and happy. Your daughters want to do what they think is the best thing for their mum and dad, but that’s not your husband’s viewpoint.

There’s no “right” or “wrong” in this issue, it’s just about what works for the two people involved – you and your husband. So don’t let yourself be controlled by anyone.

Sit down with your husband and your daughters and tell them honestly what you feel.

If your daughters want to give you a party and you’d be happy with that, perhaps your husband may come round to the idea. Who knows he may even enjoy it.

In every marriage there are touchy issues which arise. After 40 years of marred life and raising a family together, your daughters want to mark the celebration in a meaningful way but the important thing is that as a family you talk this through together in a calm and pleasant atmosphere with just a pinch of give and take on all sides.

I do hope it works out and that you and your husband have a happy Ruby Wedding with your family and enjoy your holiday in Canada.

Dear Maggie I have just found out that a friend has been gossiping about me. I told her something which was troubling me and asked her for advice. She listened and came up with a really helpful solution. I got back to her a few weeks later to thank her and said: “Please don’t tell anyone about this. Id be so embarrassed.”

She promised she wouldn’t and then two weeks ago I got a call from another friend, asking how I was feeling. By her comments it was clear she knew what had been troubling me.

Now I feel very let down by someone I trusted. Should I speak to her about it or just ignore it?

Maggie Says I think you have to say calmly and clearly to your friend you know she has been talking about you and you are unhappy with that, especially as you asked her not to do so.

Trust and loyalty are very important in friendship and once broken its hard to get trust back.

Tell your friend how you feel and, depending on her response, you will be able to decide whether the relationship is damaged beyond repair or worth saving.