It finally hit me on stage but I know he would have wanted us to carry on: Happy Mondays’ Shaun Ryder on sudden loss of brother and bandmate

On stage in Cardiff on Friday night, as the Happy Mondays started playing Kinky Afro, the band’s frontman Shaun Ryder began to grieve.

His younger brother Paul, the band’s acclaimed bassist and musical driving force, was not there and would never be again after his sudden death at 58 just a week before.

Ryder spent the week comforting their mum Linda before, true to his brother’s wishes, getting back on the road.

“If it was up to Our Kid, he’d have had us playing last Friday. He always just carried on, and that’s what we do in our family,” he said. “It’s weird. I’ve just been looking after my mam, so I’ve not really been thinking about it. It didn’t really hit me until I went on stage in Cardiff last night and he wasn’t there.

“That’s when it really got me but I couldn’t stop the show or anything, I just kept going.”

Ryder said his attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) meant he processed things differently and the loss of his brother would take time to sink in: “When my dad died, I got on with it like I’m doing now.

“Then about two years later I was just thinking about him and I welled up. That took two years so I don’t know what’ll happen with Our Kid. When my dad died it hit my mam hard, but this is a lot harder for her. You’re not supposed to live longer than your children.

“We were best mates, there was only an 18-month age difference between us. We used to have a lot of play fights – and real fights – when we were young but we were brothers and we were mates.

“Then there was the band, and that was different, we had our ups and downs there. The last 10 years was better than it had been. He’d been back in the band for 10 years. We got a decade there, I’m happy with that.”

In line with his brother’s determination to keep the show on the road, the Mondays are pressing on with booked dates, including in Scotland next month at Summer Nights in Glasgow and Fringe By The Sea in North Berwick.

The hard-partying band, an integral part of the Madchester scene which soundtracked the late ’80s for a generation, are back on the road despite their frontman’s health problems.

He recalled the first time he realised there was a problem.

“We’d just done this massive drive after doing Hong Kong then Beijing,” said Ryder. “I walked into this hotel lobby finally and suddenly had this feeling like I couldn’t breathe.

“I’m 53 years old and had never had a panic attack in my life. Suddenly this was happening to me.

“Remember when you were younger and there was a kid who would insist they couldn’t die? That was me. I always thought nothing could kill me but at that point I believed the opposite. For a full year I had that feeling, thinking, ‘I’m going to die’.”

His underactive thyroid meant he was taking testosterone pills; before the trip he had to stop due to a thyroid complication.

“My blood cells were thickening and I had to stop taking the testosterone, that’s what caused it,” he explained. “It’s a bit like the female menopause but for men. It was the worst experience of my life.

“I’ve been on beta blockers since then, they’ve really helped. I’m glad I had the panic attacks when I did, though. If I’d had one when I was a boy, I wouldn’t have had a career. I’d have hid under the bed for the rest of my life. None of these problems come from drugs or alcohol, my liver is absolutely fine. All my stuff comes from my genes.

“I’ve got hereditary thyroid and hip problems. My mum’s got two false hips, my nana had thyroid problems, so I’ve got them too. My thyroid is underactive which just makes you fat and bald.

“I’m a pescatarian now, I only eat fish and vegetables but I’m still 15 and a half stone. The thyroid pretty much controls everything in your body; once it goes your testosterone goes so it feels like moving around with 10 bags of coal strapped to your back.”

Ryder has become a British TV favourite, the genial rogue from Celebrity Gogglebox and I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! (he has been linked to a forthcoming all-star series), while remaining music royalty as part of the Mondays and Black Grape.

He has been clean for 17 years but at the height of his drug use he’d smoke “50 rocks of crack” every day but, at the moment, he has just finished a healthy breakfast of Ryvita with a light cheese spread.

His most intense experience these days comes when he has to stand at the bottom of the stairs listening to his two teenage girls.

“There’s nothing harder than teenage girls,” he said. “Lads are a doddle, lads are fine but teenage girls? It’s so dramatic and there’s screaming and insane drama all the time. I mean, I love them of course, but it’s a nightmare. We’re grandparents’ age now, me and Jo. My other kids are a bit older but it’s harder now with younger ones, it’s worse because of the internet and the communicating teenagers do now. But teenagers are always going to be difficult.

“You think your kids won’t be but they’re going to be how they are. When my missus and I were that age, we were at the lot. Luckily, my older children have got through all right and they’re fine. With these two, we’re just at that dangerous age.

“I absolutely worry about them. And the older I get the more panicky I get about these things.”

After the Mondays broke through, his drug use spiralled: “I never did Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous or anything like that.

“So I never did the 12 steps and had to do that thing where you apologise to anybody you’ve hurt. Apart from my mam and dad. I’m still apologising to my mam…”

Despite his loss, Ryder is looking forward to the band’s upcoming Scots dates. He had a phase when he fell out of love with music but his enthusiasm was rekindled. He said: “I went through all that in my 30s. It starts off great and you love it.

“Then you’ve been at it for all these years, singing the same song. But since at least 2010 it’s been great.

“I’m not just saying this but we’re all, both Black Grape and the Mondays, in places where we’re comfortable with ourselves. We’ve gotten past all the bits where we’re kicking off with each other and all that. We’re all 60-year-old blokes now. We’re all happy in our skin and love this stuff more than ever.”

Happy Mondays are at Fringe By The Sea, on August 13, fringebythesea.com