Rona Dougall: Thank you, Madonna, for helping me realise I wasn’t the world’s worst mum after all

Timeless pop icon Madonna is showing us the way again. She has revealed her blueprint for parenting with five strict house rules for her brood of children… smile, be happy, listen to others, speak kindness and be happy with what you have.

I would never have thought that such sensible and compassionate advice could come from this wacky colossus of the music industry. Back when my daughters were little, I laid down some vague rules. But apart from don’t wear shoes in the house and don’t say shut up, none of them really stuck. I wish now that I had been more disciplined and organised. I tried to teach them to turn out lights, but after I came home to an empty home once with every single light blazing, I gave up, defeated.

So, good on you Madge for your efforts. Earlier in the year she revealed more about her approach to mothering in an interview with Vanity Fair in which she said growing up with her as a mum is a “challenge” for her kids. Well, that’s an understatement if ever I’ve heard one. With her string of toy boys and pictures of her half naked apparently looking for spare socks under the bed, not to mention the extensive plastic surgery, the 64-year-old must be an absolute nightmare to have as a parent.

But even if she toned it down a bit and transformed into a demure, tweed skirt wearing model of a mum, her sons and daughters would still be embarrassed because, at some point, all children are mortified by the very existence of their parents.

I remember my girls used to cringe if I so much as shouted goodbye to them in the playground. So, I used to relish demonstrating my love for them through the power of dance at random moments. And although I thought my impersonation of the Hunchback of Notre Dame in a corridor of a French train one holiday was a seminal moment in the history of the dramatic arts, I know for a fact they’d never hated me more.

Rona Dougall: Madonna has made it an art form but we all embarrass our children

Madonna also said “no one gives you a manual. You have to learn from mistakes. It is a profession that requires a lot of time. And it is exhausting because there is never rest.” I can’t begin to tell you how much better that makes me feel about the way I brought up my daughters if the Queen of Pop says that.

After the birth of my first child, it seemed to me in my befuddled sleep-deprived daze, that there actually was a manual but that they’d forgotten to give me a copy when I left the maternity ward. Or maybe I’d forgotten to pick it up? Looking around it felt that everyone else had it sorted. I remember wondering how on earth the authorities had let me take this tiny vulnerable baby home when I didn’t have a clue what to do.

I look at women like Helen Glover and I am gobsmacked at when they can achieve in the midst of motherhood. She’s the double Olympic rowing champion who announced this week that she’s making a surprise comeback with the aim of achieving history at the Paris Games next year. She has three very young children and is fitting in her three, yes three, training sessions a day around their routine. It sounds gruelling and utterly exhausting, but she’s determined to inspire other mothers in professional sport.

The 36-year-old wants to blaze a trail for others and believes it’s a prime time for mums in sport. There are so many she says: “not just coming back, but excelling and being better than they have ever been.” I salute Helen and all the super women who manage to do it all. And I include in that my own mother, who although she didn’t have an Olympic career, had four children in three years and managed to still somehow remain cheerful. Most of the time.