The beautifully funny game: Anniversary tribute to late, great writer John Fairgrieve recalls ref’s hilarious match report

IT’S 40 years since the memoirs of the late, great football writer John Fairgrieve were published.

One of Scotland’s finest football reporters, Fairgrieve’s hilarious book, Away Wi’ The Goalie, celebrated Scotland’s national sport from the grassroots up. Here, to mark the anniversary, is an excerpt showcasing the writer’s comic touch and passion for the sometimes less than beautiful game as he recounts a match between two junior teams, from West Lothian and Ayrshire, although the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Before kick-off, the West Lothian team’s goalie Duggie MacKay has volunteered to subdue their opponent’s notorious hard man, Hammy Fraser – “there existed a strong difference of opinion about whether he resembled a Turkish wrestler more than an orang-utan” – and, in the opening seconds, runs through and over him while “taking great care to stand on his nose.”

The referee’s report to his supervisors takes up the story…

Player Ferris made no direct complaint to me at the time, and I confess I admired his self-restraint, as player MacKay undoubtedly committed a foul of quite astounding ferocity. Had the match not been in progress for only 17 seconds, I would have ordered player MacKay from the field of play. But, rightly or wrongly, I took the view that this would merely have exacerbated matters. Also, as I have indicated, it appeared to me that player Ferris, whom I know by reputation, might have changed his ways, and that the match might proceed in a normal way.

However, as I was running to take up position for a Winchtown goal-kick in the second minute, with my back momentarily to the play, my attention was drawn by a home player to MacKay, who was lying prone on the edge of the penalty area. The player in question said Ferris had done it or words to that effect. I consulted with a linesman, a local man, of course, and he averred that he had seen Ferris strike MacKay with his left fist, and then butt him in the stomach.

After MacKay had been treated by the trainer, and was apparently fit to resume, I cautioned Ferris as to his future conduct. For the sake of form, I asked him his name, and he replied: “Santa Claus”. I knew this to be a lie, as I have had similar dealings with this player in the past under the name of Desmond Ferris sometimes known as Hammy.

Only one minute after this incident, and your committee will appreciate that I am referring to the third minute, no more, Winchtown gained a corner kick. As the ball came over, I distinctly saw Ferris come in from easily 30 yards out at dead run and leap into the air behind MacKay. I am convinced that it was intention to kick MacKay in the kidneys, but MacKay presumably heard a shout of warning, and swung round abruptly. He was not kicked in the kidneys, but in another place. I believe that, given a choice, he would have preferred the original intention of Ferris to have been carried out.

As soon as MacKay had been carried off, temporary remedial measures being obviously of no purpose, I ordered Ferris from the field. That is, I tried to order him from the field. Not only did he refuse, but he also threatened to take my whistle from my possession and stuff it down my throat. Furthermore, he said that if I did not to keep my face shut (his own words, gentlemen) he would remove my shorts and spank my bare backside in full view of the populace. It is my considered opinion that he would not have hesitated to carry out either or both of these threats, especially as he appeared to be foaming a little at the mouth.

The upshot of this most unpleasant affair is that I continued with the match, if such it may now be called, as long as was feasible, with Ferris still on the field. In the 17th minute, Ferris scored a goal but, apart from the fact that this was due less to his talents than to the reluctance of the home defence to go near him, I am at a loss as to how the score should be interpreted. So far as I was concerned, Ferris was not on the field. I feel certain your committee will understand how difficult it is to control a game when one of the alleged participants scores a goal and runs around kicking people, and yet is not officially there.

As half-time approached, the restiveness of the home crowd was becoming increasingly apparent. I could tell this by the way they were throwing bottles and stones at Ferris, even when he

was in the middle of the field. An already alarming situation deteriorated when Ferris began

to throw the missiles back into the crowd and, at this point, I am obliged to point out that your committee’s instructions to all clubs regarding the presence of an appropriate number of constables, like a hundred in this case, is often ignored. At Winchtown, last Saturday, there were no police constables present whatever, and I found this highly distressing.

Many of the spectators, when they were not throwing things were advising Ferris that they would see to him at half-time. But, as you may have heard, Ferris foiled the spectators by leaving the field just as I signalled the interval, not in the direction of the pavilion, but at the north-west corner of the ground where, by tradition, the senior citizens are the only spectators. He was not daft.One of the old gentlemen tried to arrest his progress enough for the other fans to catch-up, by tripping him with a walking stick, and failed. Another encouraged his black Labrador retriever to chase Ferris who, however, punched the unfortunate brute on the head. Player Ferris was last seen moving well, over the railway line and across the field beyond.

I know I have been criticised in certain quarters for my decision to remain in my dressing room at half-time, and to keep the door locked, with a chair under the handle until 20 past eight that evening, despite repeated threats to put a match to the entire building. This criticism, I submit, is unwarranted. It is true that the absence of Ferris might have promised a comparatively uneventful second half, but I would ask your committee to agree that this is taking advantage of hindsight. Ferris is the sort of man who might have come back.

In conclusion, I have the honour to report that the result of the above cup tie between Winchtown Thistle and Mauchline Talbot, at the time of its abandonment in the 45th minute was either 0-0 or 0-1.

Yours in sport,

J. McFadyen