Meet the real life Still Game duo Jack and Victor!

Pieces and bus, passes at the ready – OAPs’ free trips are a hoot when it’s the real life Jack and Victor on tour.

Her determination was admirable. The young jogger must have summoned every ounce of her will to venture out.

It was dreich and blustery but, with a steely resolve, she pounded the Dingwall streets. The woman passed two old boys weaving their way along the road.

“On yersel, hen,” cried one. “Ye’ve only another 10 kilos to go!”

John Mackay cringes at the memory.

“I meant kilometres,” he says. “I’ve never really got the hang of this metric carry on. The look on that poor lassie’s face. Here’s some old guy telling her she’s a stone and a half overweight and there was barely a pick on her.

“She stopped dead and just stared at me, crestfallen. She’s probably still bubbling.”

John and best pal Craig Stevenson are pretty much the real-life version of BBC comedy Still Game’s Jack and Victor.

Armed with pieces, bus passes and beer money, the trailblazing pensioners spend their time exploring Scotland using only public transport with their escapades invariably ending down the pub.

Their harebrained adventures are the subject of four books. The latest, Inn Aff the Bar, combines their two great interests fitba’ and beer.

It sees the best pals take the bus from their homes in East Kilbride to every single senior football ground in Scotland.

But they’re not there for the big match. No, instead they visit the hostelries nearest the respective stadia to soak up the off-pitch atmosphere. And of course, the beer.

John, 67, says: “Our travel books are all about showing folk you can get out there and have a fantastic time for very little money.

“The bus pass has been great for pensioners. We’ve travelled all over the country for free.

“We’ve been to places we’d never otherwise go and a few of them, to be honest, you wouldn’t want to go!”

Craig, 61, adds: “We’re always looking for new ideas for our books. Ach, really we’re just looking for excuses to get out and have a beer. We tell the wives it’s ‘research’.

“Going to the football can be dear on a pension, even with the concessions clubs offer, but at least we can show you how to get there free.

“Our book tells you the bus number, the route, journey time and what stop to get off at. And, of course, all the pubs near the grounds where you can enjoy a pint.

“We always start out from Glasgow as it’s a ‘hub’ a huge part of the population can easily get to.”

John and Craig’s books are also packed with fun anecdotes of the pair’s scrapes and the many ‘interesting’ characters they’ve met.

John says: “We’ve had a right laugh. I don’t know if it’s just a Scottish thing, but it’s amazing the number of people you meet that are completely mental in a good way though. Well, mostly . . .”

Craig agrees. “It’s reassuring to realise most people are decent sorts whatever their age or background.

“Folk go out their way to help you, or are eager to chat and share a story or joke. It’s been brilliant fun.”

“Some of the things you hear though,” says John with a shake of the head. “We were in a pub near Firhill, home of Partick Thistle.

“They’re my team and I was reminiscing about getting the tram up Maryhill Road to see them on Saturdays. I was a ballboy for them once.

“It got one guy talking about how, when they were kids, they had to make their own entertainment.

“He and his pals would catch hold of a cat and wait until an open-top tram would appear. Then they’d toss the poor thing into the top deck.

“He said the screaming from the cat and the passengers was fantastic.

“There’s so much that’s just wrong with that, that you don’t know where to begin. Changed days, is all I can say!”

A trip to Dunfermline sticks in Craig’s mind.

He says: “Needless to say, we were in a pub and got introduced to this bloke called Dennis the Pole because he’s a Pole, from Poland. He’d lived in the town since he was a wean but that’s what he was called.

“In 1968, when he was 11, Dunfermline won the Scottish Cup, against Hearts I think. His dad was in the pub celebrating the famous victory with wee Dennis on his shoulders.

“Word came that the team bus, with the cup and all the players, was about to pass by. Dennis’ dad raced for the door to look. In his excitement he forgot his boy was on his shoulders poor wee fella was nearly decapitated by the lintel!

“He was rushed to hospital. Doctors said he’d recover well enough but everyone says he’s never been right. He’s supported Dunfermline ever since that day, so there’s your proof!”

The old pals’ trip to Dunfermline was last season, when Pars’ fans were desperately trying to raise cash to save their skint club.

John and Craig signed a few of their books and handed them over to be raffled or auctioned to help the cause. The gesture touched two fans in particular.

“They were limo drivers,” says John. “They insisted next match we attended they’d pick us up in a swanky motor and drop us off at the ground in style.

“A few weeks later we took them up on the offer. It was in Kirkcaldy, Raith Rovers against my team, Partick Thistle did I tell you I used to be a ballboy for them?

“Anyway, we thought it was handy for the limo boys not far from Dunfermline. Turns out they worked for an undertaker they picked us up in a big, black funeral car!

“Then, to top it all, when we got to Stark’s Park it was all locked up the game was cancelled. Luckily driver Bob knew what to do drop us at the pub!”

The plucky pensioners plan to write a book a year based on their travels. John already has the next instalment planned.

“Craig will take a bit of convincing but I’d love to visit all Scotland’s inhabited islands by boat we’d call the book Still Steamin’! Do you get it?”

Craig groans wearily and rolls his eyes.

Inn Aff The Bar, by Craig Stevenson and John Mackay, is available from Waterstones and on-line. Price, £8.99.