I always get searched at airport security.
It must be my fillings because I never have explosives in my underwear.
It’s a pain, of course, especially when you’ve removed your belt and you’re asked to raise your arms, thus increasing the chance of your trousers descending to your ankles.
But for the most part the officers and I manage to get through it with good humour because we both know I’m just a guy going on holiday and they’re just doing a job that doesn’t exactly thrill them.
This has been the case in every country I’ve been to. Except the last one.
I’ve always avoided Turkey because I saw Midnight Express at an impressionable age (20). But we were offered such a great deal we couldn’t refuse. And it was brilliant.
Lovely hotel, lovely resort, lovely people. So I was in a good mood by the end of it and more than prepared to smile through the inevitable when I beeped at airport security.
The young officer in olive green uniform did not, however, smile as he called me forward. Nor when he patted me down. Nor yet when he jerked his head to indicate that I was free to go.
I raised my eyebrows and smiled the crooked smile I always use to convey, in the universal language of tourism: “Oh, this is a lark, isn’t it.”
Apparently that language isn’t as universal as I thought. The young officer stared at me with unmoved and unmoving eyes. He fixed them on mine and didn’t let go.
He gave me the willies. I had never seen a stare like that outside a movie, far less been on the receiving end of one. What did it mean? Was he a humourless, macho prat? Did he perhaps bear a cultural resentment towards Western tourists?
Was he determined to let me know that he took international terrorism seriously even if I didn’t? Did he simply object to having had to touch me? Or did he want to touch me some more? Had he seen Midnight Express, too?
All these thoughts ran round my mind, making it unlikely I’d get any sleep on the late-night flight. Then we took off and I was charged £4.50 for a glass of wine.
I stared at the stewardess with unmoved and unmoving eyes…
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