A good husband isn’t the only thing you need for happiness

Do we have “ridiculous expectations” of marriage?

Rosamund Pike the 35-year-old star of Gone Girl, the hit film of the year, certainly thinks so.

Last week she said: “We demand too much of our partner. We want all our needs met by one person and I don’t believe that’s possible. In my granny’s day you wouldn’t expect your husband to fulfil the same need in you as your sister, or girlfriends or colleagues. You’d have different needs met by different people.”

Too true Rosamund. As children we swallow the fairy- tale ending of ‘happily ever after’ and somehow we’ve come to believe that if marriage doesn’t mean endless bliss and cosy togetherness then we’ve been short-changed and the only route out is a swift exit via the divorce court.

But, in reality, one person cannot make you happy. You need to be able to do that for yourself. The family, friends and colleagues who are part of your day-to-day life help make that possible.

Dumping all your expectations on the shoulders of your mate leaves him or her with a weighty burden to carry. That’s why our support network is crucial. Sometimes it’s the lifelong friend you can phone and confide in who keeps you sane. Other times it’s moaning to your colleague at work about the irritating habits of the married male which helps you let off steam.

And you find you are not alone.

The first Playgroup Committee Meeting I went to as a young mum was a lifesaver. Once we’d settled the rota and discussed some fundraising we got on to the serious business of the night. Men.

Why did they grumble so much? Why did they not hear the baby crying in the night? How could you persuade them to fix the leaking tap in the bathroom? What did they talk about in the pub? Why didn’t they understand that taking the kids to the park once a week didn’t qualify them for sainthood?

I went home that night a changed woman. There were men out there just as flawed and stubborn as the one I’d married.

Perfection in relationships isn’t possible. That’s hard to accept. You want your partner to understand your need for a new sofa and a living room paint job. You hope he’ll reassure you the dress you’ve just bought doesn’t make you look fat. You want him to listen to you wittering on about which set of grandparents you should spend Christmas with this year? And understand your rage about his stroppy sister’s comments.

But he may be zoning out and watching TV.

It’s then that our support network is invaluable. Phone, text, Facebook, Twitter or share a coffee with someone who will listen, give their honest opinion and you feel sorted, connected and good to go.

Expecting marriage to ‘solve’ everything is unrealistic, says Rosamund.

And you know what she’s right.