I’m being stalked by a gas giant!

We still get what we need.

Why are large, rich and powerful companies so pathetically needy?

I had a British Gas engineer out to fix a thing, and since he left it’s been like coping with a neurotic girlfriend. First there was the phone call.

“Please take a short survey to let us know how we did”. I hung up. I don’t count this as rude because there wasn’t a real person there who could be hurt.

And like a girl getting her best pal to phone a boy to ask if he fancies her, it was flattering but somehow insulting and slightly weird.

If there had been a real person there I would have said something scathing, something like: “Well, it’s not really a good time but if it won’t take more than a couple of minutes…”

Anyway, obviously hurt by my silence they tried an email. “Please tell us what you think,” it pleaded, fluttering its electronic eyelashes.

Presumably if I don’t answer that I’ll get a letter with all the dots above the ‘i’s in the shape of hearts, and if I ignore that they’ll send someone round to stare at my bedroom window.

So to save more heartache here’s the thing, British Gas. I find you very attractive in many ways. Of course you’re not perfect, but neither am I, and we seem to get along pretty well.

I like the way you service my boiler and are prepared to put up with my eccentric wiring. For your part, you seem happy with what I give you, even though I’m resistant to some of the things you offer to do for me.

OK, the earth doesn’t move every time, but we’ve been in this relationship for more than 20 years now, we knew what it was when we got into it and we both still get what we need.

Yes, I know there are other companies out there, many of them younger than you, and I know your profits are drooping a bit. But would they understand me the way you do?

Come on, we’re both grown-ups and if one of us wanted to change or move on, we’d talk about it in a mature way.

In other words, if I’ve any complaints I’ll let you know. Until then you can assume everything is fine.

SO FOR GOD’S SAKE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!