BREAKING news … Usain Bolt has done the triple triple in Rio.
No, wait – that was the last column I prepared earlier.
What I meant to say was that Jeremy Corbyn has won the Labour leadership contest.
Again.
And this time with an even bigger mandate.
To quote the Labour Party Marxists’ newspaper (incidentally printed before the announcement): “Comrade Corbyn has trounced citizen Smith.”
Not only did the veteran left-winger secure victory by a larger margin than last year’s landslide, the very fact of being crowned twice – after months of division and infighting – will also strengthen his hand.
In the run-up to the entirely predictable result, Labour’s former big guns were queuing around the block to throw in their two pennies’ worth.
Ex-Foreign Secretary David Miliband declared the party unelectable, adding it had not been further from power since the 1930s.
Meanwhile, former Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls (in a break from training for Strictly) said he could not remember a time when the views of Labour members were so disconnected from voters in marginal seats.
Not to be outdone, Tony Blair accused Corbyn of turning Britain into a one-party state.
As for the man of the hour, Corbyn has been – by his standards at least – in conciliatory mood in recent days, symbolically nurturing an olive tree in his office.
Despite insisting his leadership style would not change if he won, he has repeatedly said he wants to wipe the slate clean and did so again in his victory speech.
Peppered with references to the “Labour family”, he told the few hundred supporters who had travelled to Liverpool for the big moment: “I will do everything I can to bring our party together.
“We have much more in common than that which divides us.”
And then came the real message.
“My responsibility as Labour leader is to unite this party … but it’s also the responsibility of the whole party to work together and respect the democratic choice that has been made.”
For what it’s worth (and I can’t quite believe I’m saying this), I actually agree with him.
Some former shadow cabinet members have ruled out a comeback unless elections for the posts are reinstated – something Corbyn himself was previously in favour of.
But, either way, I don’t see how there’s any choice but to grin and bear it, whether that is from the front or backbenches.
In fact, any MP refusing to get on board at this stage – so very firmly past the point of no return – risks failing their constituents.
So, while in one sense nothing has changed, something clearly has to. Because the people … well, Labour members – those who were allowed to vote – have spoken.
There has been much talk since the EU referendum about the voice of said people.
One thing we’ve all been reminded of since June 23 is that democracy means accepting the result even when you don’t agree with it, even when you are on the losing side.
Thus, in the same way No meant No in the 2014 Scottish independence referendum, in the same way Brexit meant Brexit, Corbyn means Corbyn, Jez means Jez.
The king ain’t dead, long live the king.
To be clear, I’m not expecting a rapprochement overnight. I doubt there’ll be much kissing and making up in the coming days.
But as Sly And The Family Stone put it in Everyday People – the track blasting from the conference hall speakers as Corbyn left the stage – “We got to live together.”
Surely, for the good of the party and the country – with a bit of compromise from both camps – this isn’t too much to ask?
Winning the next general election, I suspect, is – regardless of what Corbyn believes or says he believes.
Before trying to recapture the hearts of voters, Labour must first focus on putting itself back together.
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Jeremy Corbyn calls for unity after re-election as Labour leader
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