Making stepfamilies work can be tough but also very rewarding.
Wicked stepmothers have always had a bad press in fairytales.
Maybe the Brothers Grimm played on children’s fears that being a stepchild made them “different” from the traditional family.
But that’s changing. In Britain today, one in three families includes a stepson or stepdaughter.
Last week, a study of more than 20,000 people revealed nearly 2 million children live in a two-parent family with one parent who is not their own. So how is that working out?
Is there resentment at this “incomer” who does things differently? Does the step-parent fear gossip carried back to the “real” parent?
How tough is it on everyone caught up in this new relationship?
Some of my friends have negotiated this minefield with varying degrees of success.
One of them told me it took a year of rows and snippy comments before her teenage stepdaughter would even begin to accept her as a permanent fixture in the home.
The young girl tried every trick in the book to make her stepmum feel uncomfortable.
There were sulks, dirty looks, zero co-operation and whispered phone conversations which stopped when she entered the room. My friend knew it would be difficult but not THAT difficult.
Her new husband assured her that, in time, his daughter would come to accept her. But the teenager was still hurting from mum and dad’s divorce and the only person she could blame was dad’s new woman.
My friend invited her stepdaughter to go shopping with her, hoping some girly time and a bit of good old-fashioned bribery might do the trick. It didn’t.
One holiday was a nightmare when the teenager compared everything to the way it was when mummy was there. Eventually my friend accepted all she could do was hope for the best.
It’s tricky for everyone concerned. A lot depends on the age of the children involved. Young kids find it easier to accept change, teenagers don’t want their world rocked.
My mum introduced me to her “friend” when I was 18. My dad had died 13 years before and I didn’t want anyone to take his place. I fumed and fretted. How dare she!
We’d been a tight little unit and I selfishly I didn’t want that to change. He had a son and I wasn’t about to accept a poxy stepbrother. No way!
But then I started working as a junior reporter and found I loved my job. I also had a new boyfriend who was a “keeper”.
Instead of being a threat, this man my mum was going to marry was a bonus as he made her happy and I was free to get on with enjoying my own life.
Stepfamilies are like any other families they can drive us crazy, but if we put in the work we get the results. Not immediately. Not without a lot of understanding all round. But worth the effort.
My friend with the stroppy stepdaughter got a humorous birthday card this year signed: “To my wicked stepmother…lots of love and kisses.”
She said it meant more to her than any card she’s ever received.
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